Christmas Carols Gone Wrong

Blame National Rail for this one. And maybe Twitter. Or remember good will to all men and blame no-one!

So was having a twitter conversation with my very cool mother-in-law-to-be (getting those brownie points in early) along the hashtag #wrongchristmassongs, before getting stuck on a train thanks to faulty equipment. Fun. So I thought, why not expand some of them into full songs? So here are some full Christmas carols, some just formatted a little nicer. Some are centered on current affairs, but most will still be relevant for years to come.

Many thanks to the aforementioned mother-in-law-to-be @ironmouse!

Joy to the world

Original by Isaac Watts

Joy to the world, the hoard is come
Let Argos be our King!
Let ev'ry overdraft prepare for BOOM

and ev'ry banker sing
and ev'ry banker sing
and ev'ry, yes ev'ry rotten banker sing

Joy to the world, through snow or rains
Let men their dosh employ!
Through feuds and fear and famine, those sweatshops must keep hamm'rin

each clothing, jewel and toy
each clothing, jewel and toy
each tee-shirt, each jumper, every jewel and toy

We rule the world, and set its pace
The rich we won't remove
There's boringness enough, without this "righteousness"

and charity and love
and charity and love
and charity, charity and stinkin' love!

Hark the herald sheltered

Original by Charles Wesley

Hark the sheltered bankers sing
Glory to the shop till's ring
Peace on earth? Nah! FTSE mild!
Ne'er our bankrupcy be filed!
Joyful, all ye nations rise
Watch my bonus hit the skies
As we fill our bailout claim
And reposess what you can't pay
Hark! The dodgy bankers sing
Hear my new golden jag's horn ring

In the bleak midwinter

Original by Christina Georgina Rossetti

In the bleak mid-winter
Frosty pipes may blow
Landlord's heart's as iron
Ignore your chilly moan
Ceiling fall-ins grow and grow
Grow and grow
In the bleak mid-winter
Not so long ago.

O little town of Bethlehem [INSERT CITY HERE]

Original by Phillips Brooks

O little town of Nororwich,
How packed we see thee lie;
As countless peeps assault the streets
The cardboard stars show "BUY";
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
The everlasting light. No... wait... the council has ran out of money for the electric bill.

Long time ago

Original by ???
Imagine some really vapid chavvy girl / lad

Long Time Ago in a galaxy far far away... no, wait, that was sommit' else...
So the Holy Wotsit sez
Waserface's boy child... (Christ! Whats his name?)
La la la Xmasday